bloggingfromjail

Lifestyles, With Parnell Vol. 3 - Being a Dead Person For a Living and Getting Paid For It

2008-11-12T15:53:00.001-08:00

Most weekdays, and "the weekends where [he is] not doing other stuff," bloggingfromjail lifestyle correspondent Parnell Williams writes this column on "special things about the internet and life."

There are several special things about the internet and life that this column has not

covered yet (it's only been posted three times, reader!). One of those things is that you can actually make a living, if you are very, very lucky, by being a dead person (!).

Don't worry about this being a post that is too serious. Sometimes being dead can be

funny:

Being dead and getting paid for it is tough. The first one I can come up with is:

POSING AS A MEDICAL RESEARCH CADAVER

Tough, but I think as a theory a very possible thing. First off, you'll need to take whatever Romeo took at the end of Romeo and Juliet (I didn't realize they had such big funny looking eyes in that play but I didn't see pictures of it until just now). So we'll call that step one.

STEP ONE: Find an apothecary (?) and take whatever sleep poison he or she can sell you.

Then you need to make find yourself a doctor before you take the sleep poison. That is something that's easy, if you have insurance. If not, find a free clinic near you and ask them if they would be interested in borrowing your corpse for money. I'm going to try this one out after I finish up on this post. So I guess that's step two.

STEP TWO: Ask a doctor how much money they will give you for being dead.

Then you're going to need to ask a friend to take the money for you since you'll be playing dead for awhile at a doctor's office. Have them put it into their account, but maybe first try to use a cool website like this one (I saw it on T.V., haven't tried it myself) and see if you can make sure all the doctor money goes into a little account that is a sub-section of the one your friend owns. That would be step three.

STEP THREE: Get a friend to handle your money.

Then you'll need to wake up and have a friend pick you up. You can even use the same friend who did the money thing for you. If the apothecary was any good at his job he would have given you the exact time when you are supposed to wake up, so your friend will be there to smuggle you out and the doctors will just think that the students stole you for a prank.

STEP FOUR: Pretend to be stolen because of a silly prank.

And now you have however many dollars (enough to live on at least) that being a corpse for a doctor will get for you!

More tips on being dead for a living when Lifestyles, With Parnell Vol. 3 - Being a Dead Person For a Living and Getting Paid For It returns!

This is Parnell, signing off.

Parnell discovers new method for brushing teeth.

2008-11-12T13:04:00.000-08:00

Parnell e-mailed me in a frantic haze after apparently discovering that he's been brushing his teeth the wrong way this entire time. The following e-mail was edited for content. I did not visit the link he provided.

HEY!

Check this out! I didn't read all of it yet because every bone in my head is just going wacko about this new way to brush your teeth and I'm very excited about it!! This man on the internet discovered that brushing your teeth with just one tube of toothpaste is very boring and not as good for your teeth.

I've been using just one tube of toothpaste to brush my teeth and it has been very boring. This method seems like it would be better for cleaning because it disrupts all the different ways for your teeth to rot by combining every single different type of toothpaste that people have invented and still sell!! That is an exciting fact which you can take to the bank!!

Take a look at this pretty great picture of how you were supposed to clean your teeth this entire time:

Plus look at what it looks like before the mixing process has taken over the bowl:

O.K. I am going to bed now. Thank you for reading this message and I hope you post it up on the bloggingfromjail website for me.

This is Parnell, signing off.

New features for bloggingfromjail?

2008-11-11T10:42:00.000-08:00

bloggingfromjail hasn't been extremely active since its inception. We're looking to change this by adding new correspondents.

And we're letting you decide from the pool of choices!

-An expert on cooking!

-An avowed racist.

-A guy who writes about Libertarian things and promotes his book a lot.

-Somebody who posts links to cool stuff on the internet, like babies with extra heads or links to the poignant LiveJournals of ex-Nickelodeon staffers.

-A woman who wears very hip glasses and writes whatever she pleases.

Send an old-fashioned e-mail, or write your choice(s!) in the comments.

Poem Time: OHBBBBBBAMAMAMAMAMA, by A.R.M.

2008-11-05T22:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I trump the integrity of bloggingfromjail by writing a post that covers some personal details of my life.

Avant-garde poetry has long been the driving force of my life. Each morning, I make arrhytmic clicking sounds in the back of my throat, cough, and scream at varying lengths on what feels like every 3.5th beat. It's the only method that I can count on to get me through these rough days.

Here is one I composed for the election:

reposessed homes

b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-BLACK DUDE

bill AyURRRRRR(cough)RRRRRsssssssss is OH

OH (kay)

TITE

Lifestyles, With Parnell Vol. 2 - Obamamania!

2008-11-05T22:31:00.000-08:00

Most weekdays, and "the weekends where [he is] not doing other stuff," bloggingfromjail lifestyle correspondent Parnell Williams writes this column on "special things about the internet and life."

Hello, friends. There is a new sensation and his name is Barack Obama! He is the new

sensation and even if you don't take a liking to his kind (presidents) you need to get hip to his business in a fashion

that is very rapid! Obamamania is going to be the future centerpiece of American life for people "in the know."

One way to be "in the know" is to keep magazines with

pictures of President Barack lying around your house. This way, you can deal with some snappy situations like there is no problem.

Check this situation out:

Your friend: Hey boys and girls, I was just thinking about...

You: Barack Obama?

Your friend: Yeah, how did you know I was going to say that?

You: Well, I have this magazine all about him and it has interesting facts.

And then you tell him/her some facts about Barack Obama, and offer him some tea.

See? It's easy, its simple, and its going to be a happy planet now that Barack is the go-to guy for dropping bombs.

This is Parnell, signing off.

Poem Time: Jailhouse Blues, by A.R.M.

2008-10-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

This is based on a song my old cellmate taught me:

I got them blues
Jailhouse blues
Been blogging 'bout it long enough you see!

I got them hues
Blue jail hues
Spurting from my penis as I pee!

My old cellmate had a medical problem that went undiagnosed by the prison medical staff. Ignoring whatever was going on with his bladder/urinary tract is quite possibly what could have led to his untimely death.

He was a loving man, at least as I knew him (he murdered his wife and two children with a tuning fork). I hope old Smurf-Piss Bart is up there somewhere, smiling as a single droplet of blue falls from his member, landing upon the forehead of a blessed man here on earth.

You hear that, you old bastard? I'm pouring out this bottle of Midnight Thunder Powerade for you, man.

Lifestyles, With Parnell Vol. 1 - Hip-Hopping

2008-10-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

Most weekdays, and "the weekends where [he is] not doing other stuff," bloggingfromjail lifestyle correspondent Parnell Williams writes this column on "special things about the internet and life."

All week, Parnell will be profiling various professions, and how our readers can pursue them.

Today, it is time to write about hip hoppers, a job that you could have if you did it by yourself in public enough that somebody notices who you are and pays you. There is no application process so you better be good enough!!

Here is some possible hip hoppers just hip hopping around.

Hip hoppers are people who get very worked up about things like wielding pistols and having opinions about police officers. There is a back-up profession that involves making music happen behind them when they decide to start talking. It is a pretty good racket.

I guess that is all I have to write today! Thank you for your attention and I hope you will all come back next time for a topic that I promise to look up better on the internet.

If you have any interesting information for Parnell to write about, please contact the editor at agustin-mojica@gmail.com.

Steve Cabana Presents Vol. 2: Brian Eno and David Byrne - My Life In the Bush of Ghosts

2008-10-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

bloggingfromjail Music correspondent Steve Cabana reviews a variety of records from around the world, often on recommendation from a music-loving friend.

I got on the web and looked up some stuff about this one, because I just don't get what the fuck is going on in any of these records, and the douche-bag who wrote the review for it wrote: "The aural terror within this release graces the eardrums in much the same way plaster of paris numbly nudges the olfactory receptors." Huh? I had high marks in all my English classes, so I understand every word in that bullshit sentence; that isn't the problem. I mean, I use the word "misanthropy" in one of these reviews, for the sake of fuck. Plus that was a semicolon back there, and it was used flawlessly.

I'm gonna go ahead and write my own take on this "record," and maybe I can get paid to be on the web, too: When I was like 13, I used to think italics was pronounced "Idduh-licks," and I said it out loud in front of the class and everybody laughed, especially the smart, kind of ugly but theoretically fuckable girl who sat next to me. She looked at me and said, "It's pronounced 'eyetallicks,' stupid." The way I felt then is pretty much how I feel while I'm listening to this right now.

If you would like to send a record for Steve to review, contact the editor at agustin-mojica@gmail.com.

Steve Cabana Presents Vol. 1: Fuck Buttons - Street Horrrsing

2008-10-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

bloggingfromjail Music correspondent Steve Cabana reviews a variety of records from around the world, usually on recommendation from a friend.

Fuck Buttons / Street Horrrsing

Okay, it's a bunch of bells ringing while someone shaves. What the fuck. I'm gonna have to crack open a chilly one to get through this one, and you probably will too. Thank god everybody steals all their CDs off the web in the modern times, because if this ended up on a Best Buy shelf it would be a total worldwide suicide risk.

I think the real problem with this record is when he starts yelling because he cut himself shaving. And then it sounds like he takes the shaving device and starts finding other people to hurt with the shaver. Oh, and there's bells tinkling around in the background, which is what probably qualifies this as "music" to the people who eat this garbage up. I don't need this kind of misanthropy when it's fuckin' sunny out. I'm turning this off. I guess the thesis of this review is, "probably don't even listen to this for free."

Peace.

If you would like to send a record for Steve to review, contact the editor at agustin-mojica@gmail.com.

Letters To The Editor

2008-10-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

Nobody has written to Blogging From Jail yet, as this is only the second entry into what will hopefully be a long run of hard-hitting, politically-aroused discussions about music, film, and colored people. However, we did make an open call on the internet for anyone to write in questions about our publication based on the ideas constructed by our crack marketing team for what the zine would end up being. Here is what we have had time to respond to so far.

Agustin Mojica
Editor-In-Chief,
Editor Emeritus,
Assistant Editor,
Author,
Political Correspondent,
Executive Editor

Dear Blogging From Jail,
I heard you guys were talking about Reagan in this print-zine (we were going to be a print zine before we found out about the 'net. -Ed) of yours and I am not pleased with this idea because I did not vote for that man and I do not think Americans anywhere would have voted for him if he ran again. The man has alshimers (sic) and I think he is the wrong man to lead this country. Please do not write about him or any other man with brain problems who the hell does Reagan think he is.

Thanks guys I hope this gets printed,
Col. James T. Krauser (Retired)

James,
I assume you are referring to the late ex-president Ronald Reagan. He is dead, and will not be running for office again in the future. You'll be happy to know that our planned feature on him was cut as per your request.

(The following letter was edited for explicit content. --Ed.)

Dear Blogging From Jail,
Tape is the new thing, and your magazine needs to get on the bandwagon! Adhesives are the new wave! Too many magazines are about cars, and books, and women, and magazines, and you guys could be writing about the glue that sticks our society together!

My father was an adhesive man, and so was my grandfather! Please represent the under-represented!

Cap. Milton S. Krauser (Retired)

Milton,

Are you related to Corporal Krauser? How strange, to receive letters from not one, but two decorated members of our armed forces! And possibly members of the same family!

To answer your inquiries, we must sadly note that Blogging From Jail will stay firmly focused on political issues. We would like to keep our pages (Web pages, now. -Ed) open to a broader discussion than limiting ourselves to adhesive and similar topics would allow. This does not mean we will avoid adhesive-related issues. For example, airplanes are held together by airplane glue; I am sure there is someone, somewhere, who wants to ban airplane glue simply because certain parties enjoy to inhale it to experience an altered state. That is the kind of topic that Blogging From Jail would see fit not only to print (online -Ed), but to proselytize through each and every medium at our disposal, of which there are several (Now just this blog. -Ed).

Dear Blogging From Jail,
I'm real happy to hear that magazines are still how the world likes to read -- this upcoming magazine of yours has just the kind of spry moxie to remind people that paper is the only kind of reading you can trust! I just wanted to thank you, and plead with you not to print this on the internet (Jews) or on some kind of suspicious film-paper (could be the Jews -- I need to check my papers for that). Normal tree paper will do.

Signed,
Cap. James "Jimmy" L. Krauser (Retired)

Jimmy,

I'm sorry to say that we have shifted our plans, and Blogging From Jail has changed from an ironically-titled print zine to an actual blog. I hope you will stay safe as you contemplate this shift in paradigm.

That's it for our letters! Please, send more, once we have the password recovered on our e-mail address.

Yours truly,

Agustin Mojica
Editor-In-Chief,
Editor Emeritus,
Assistant Editor,
Author,
Political Correspondent,
Executive Editor

Welcome To This Magazine!!

2008-10-13T11:16:00.000-07:00

I am not embarrassed to say that we here at Welcome To This Magazine, the brand new weblog on the block!!, hired a marketing company to assist us with our first foray into "online zine-making". With the print zine market shrinking, and so many of these magazines folding or turning into "weblogs," the time seemed right to make a high-risk investment and see if we couldn't become the big fish in a small pond, "as it were." While we may lose a great deal of credibility by admitting that we had to hire consultants instead of going "balls-forward" (as marketing parlance would have it) into this unfamiliar, dogmatic "online zine-scene," I believe, as do our consultants, that honesty is the first requirement that must be met for a burgeoning publication such as this. I hope we have satisfied that requirement, so that we can continue in our own direction with the coming issues.

Our consultants also instructed us to come straight out of the gate with controversial topics. For example, an "online zine" without a drawn or photographed penis is basically dead in the water, as per their fabulous pie-charts; suchly, you shall see at least several examples of the male phallus before this blog has run its (long and illustrious) course. Another "online zine-trend" is the concept of finding "found" things, which, as any good print zine-reader should know, is the idea of a thing being found, and using the content for financial gain after a xeroxing or three (to give it character).

We, along with our marketing team, have come up with an innovative, fresh concept: Cut out the xeroxing, and exhibit our content in a virtual space, instead! Tell me where you've heard that before and I'll send you ten bucks (I'm aware there are similar ideas, as the internet is very broad, so I will only send ten dollars if I have the means -- don't hold me to it, dear reader!).

In fact, some of the penis drawings and photographs that you will soon see gracing this gorgeous page on the web, were "found," which thankfully satisfies both requirements with only one item taking up otherwise worthwhile space. Again, we hope that in our next issue, we will have gained the trust of our readership enough to jettison these silly marketing needs, although we should note that there was a distinct pleasure discovered in finding, drawing, repeatedly xeroxing, and printing phalli.

With the needs of the zine market in mind, we were not able to produce as many articles immediately as we expected relating to our original vision. However, I am proud to say that Blogging From Jail did not lose its integrity as a closed forum for political opinion in the process. We're happy to have you with us, and we hope you'll enjoy the ride!

Undoubtedly yours,

Agustin R. Mojica
Editor-In-Chief,
Editor Emeritus,
Assistant Editor,
Author,
Political Correspondent,
Executive Editor