Lifestyles, With Parnell Vol. 3 - Being a Dead Person For a Living and Getting Paid For It

Most weekdays, and "the weekends where [he is] not doing other stuff," bloggingfromjail lifestyle correspondent Parnell Williams writes this column on "special things about the internet and life."

There are several special things about the internet and life that this column has not

covered yet (it's only been posted three times, reader!). One of those things is that you can actually make a living, if you are very, very lucky, by being a dead person (!).

Don't worry about this being a post that is too serious. Sometimes being dead can be

funny:

Being dead and getting paid for it is tough. The first one I can come up with is:

POSING AS A MEDICAL RESEARCH CADAVER

Tough, but I think as a theory a very possible thing. First off, you'll need to take whatever Romeo took at the end of Romeo and Juliet (I didn't realize they had such big funny looking eyes in that play but I didn't see pictures of it until just now). So we'll call that step one.

STEP ONE: Find an apothecary (?) and take whatever sleep poison he or she can sell you.

Then you need to make find yourself a doctor before you take the sleep poison. That is something that's easy, if you have insurance. If not, find a free clinic near you and ask them if they would be interested in borrowing your corpse for money. I'm going to try this one out after I finish up on this post. So I guess that's step two.

STEP TWO: Ask a doctor how much money they will give you for being dead.

Then you're going to need to ask a friend to take the money for you since you'll be playing dead for awhile at a doctor's office. Have them put it into their account, but maybe first try to use a cool website like this one (I saw it on T.V., haven't tried it myself) and see if you can make sure all the doctor money goes into a little account that is a sub-section of the one your friend owns. That would be step three.

STEP THREE: Get a friend to handle your money.

Then you'll need to wake up and have a friend pick you up. You can even use the same friend who did the money thing for you. If the apothecary was any good at his job he would have given you the exact time when you are supposed to wake up, so your friend will be there to smuggle you out and the doctors will just think that the students stole you for a prank.

STEP FOUR: Pretend to be stolen because of a silly prank.

And now you have however many dollars (enough to live on at least) that being a corpse for a doctor will get for you!

More tips on being dead for a living when Lifestyles, With Parnell Vol. 3 - Being a Dead Person For a Living and Getting Paid For It returns!

This is Parnell, signing off.

Parnell discovers new method for brushing teeth.

Parnell e-mailed me in a frantic haze after apparently discovering that he's been brushing his teeth the wrong way this entire time. The following e-mail was edited for content. I did not visit the link he provided.

HEY!

Check this out! I didn't read all of it yet because every bone in my head is just going wacko about this new way to brush your teeth and I'm very excited about it!! This man on the internet discovered that brushing your teeth with just one tube of toothpaste is very boring and not as good for your teeth.

I've been using just one tube of toothpaste to brush my teeth and it has been very boring. This method seems like it would be better for cleaning because it disrupts all the different ways for your teeth to rot by combining every single different type of toothpaste that people have invented and still sell!! That is an exciting fact which you can take to the bank!!

Take a look at this pretty great picture of how you were supposed to clean your teeth this entire time:


Plus look at what it looks like before the mixing process has taken over the bowl:


O.K. I am going to bed now. Thank you for reading this message and I hope you post it up on the bloggingfromjail website for me.

This is Parnell, signing off.

New features for bloggingfromjail?

bloggingfromjail hasn't been extremely active since its inception. We're looking to change this by adding new correspondents.

And we're letting you decide from the pool of choices!

-An expert on cooking!

-An avowed racist.

-A guy who writes about Libertarian things and promotes his book a lot.

-Somebody who posts links to cool stuff on the internet, like babies with extra heads or links to the poignant LiveJournals of ex-Nickelodeon staffers.

-A woman who wears very hip glasses and writes whatever she pleases.

Send an old-fashioned e-mail, or write your choice(s!) in the comments.

Poem Time: OHBBBBBBAMAMAMAMAMA, by A.R.M.

Sometimes I trump the integrity of bloggingfromjail by writing a post that covers some personal details of my life.

Avant-garde poetry has long been the driving force of my life. Each morning, I make arrhytmic clicking sounds in the back of my throat, cough, and scream at varying lengths on what feels like every 3.5th beat. It's the only method that I can count on to get me through these rough days.

Here is one I composed for the election:

OH

reposessed homes

BA

b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-BLACK DUDE

MA

bill AyURRRRRR(cough)RRRRRsssssssss is OH

OH

OH (kay)

BA

MA

TITE

Lifestyles, With Parnell Vol. 2 - Obamamania!

Most weekdays, and "the weekends where [he is] not doing other stuff," bloggingfromjail lifestyle correspondent Parnell Williams writes this column on "special things about the internet and life."

Hello, friends. There is a new sensation and his name is Barack Obama! He is the new

 sensation and even if you don't take a liking to his kind (presidents) you need to get hip to his business in a fashion

 that is very rapid! Obamamania is going to be the future centerpiece of American life for people "in the know."

One way to be "in the know" is to keep magazines with

 pictures of President Barack lying around your house. This way, you can deal with some snappy situations like there is no problem.

Check this situation out:

Your friend: Hey boys and girls, I was just thinking about...

You: Barack Obama?

Your friend: Yeah, how did you know I was going to say that?

You: Well, I have this magazine all about him and it has interesting facts.

And then you tell him/her some facts about Barack Obama, and offer him some tea.

See? It's easy, its simple, and its going to be a happy planet now that Barack is the go-to guy for dropping bombs.

This is Parnell, signing off.

Poem Time: Jailhouse Blues, by A.R.M.

This is based on a song my old cellmate taught me:


I got them blues
Jailhouse blues
Been blogging 'bout it long enough you see!


I got them hues
Blue jail hues
Spurting from my penis as I pee!



My old cellmate had a medical problem that went undiagnosed by the prison medical staff. Ignoring whatever was going on with his bladder/urinary tract is quite possibly what could have led to his untimely death.

He was a loving man, at least as I knew him (he murdered his wife and two children with a tuning fork). I hope old Smurf-Piss Bart is up there somewhere, smiling as a single droplet of blue falls from his member, landing upon the forehead of a blessed man here on earth.

You hear that, you old bastard? I'm pouring out this bottle of Midnight Thunder Powerade for you, man.

Lifestyles, With Parnell Vol. 1 - Hip-Hopping

Most weekdays, and "the weekends where [he is] not doing other stuff," bloggingfromjail lifestyle correspondent Parnell Williams writes this column on "special things about the internet and life."

All week, Parnell will be profiling various professions, and how our readers can pursue them.

Today, it is time to write about hip hoppers, a job that you could have if you did it by yourself in public enough that somebody notices who you are and pays you. There is no application process so you better be good enough!!

Here is some possible hip hoppers just hip hopping around.

Hip hoppers are people who get very worked up about things like wielding pistols and having opinions about police officers. There is a back-up profession that involves making music happen behind them when they decide to start talking. It is a pretty good racket.

I guess that is all I have to write today! Thank you for your attention and I hope you will all come back next time for a topic that I promise to look up better on the internet.

If you have any interesting information for Parnell to write about, please contact the editor at agustin-mojica@gmail.com.